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  Part of the List

  By Xavier Neal

  Part of the List

  By Xavier Neal

  ©Xavier Neal 2017

  Cover by Dana Leah with Designs by Dana

  All Rights Reserved

  License Note

  No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without authorization of the Author. Any distribution without express consent is illegal and punishable in court of law.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Dedication: To The Universe...Thank you for every memory that would fill my list.

  Kennedy

  I remember the exact moment I fell in love with Bailey. He was barely fifteen and I was nothing more than the sappy thirteen year old obsessed with the older, bright eyed, dark brown haired boy with an accent that would make any country lover proud. It was right before church, and Bailey was in the same place he always was, the nursery. He loved to be around kids, but babies were his favorite. There was something about holding the very beginning of life, a clean slate, an unbiased soul that was exhilarating to him. Sometimes people forget that hatred isn't born. It's bred. It's instilled and re-instilled through words as well as actions. Unfortunately for us that simple truth has haunted us like an unsettled spirit seeking revenge on a world it was afraid had forgotten it.

  I lean against the door frame as he cradles the infant to his broad, white t-shirt covered chest. He rocks her and hums his favorite hymn. I do my best to hide my giggles. Only Bailey can get away with singing Noelle in the middle of August.

  Slowly, he turns his body to face mine. With a wide grin he locks eyes with me and states, “Someday, you're gonna be holdin’ ours.”

  A smile hits my lips. I love the slight twang he’s trying to hide.

  “She's gonna be beautiful just like you.”

  Thick glasses. Brown hair instead of the favored blonde. Brown skin by nature, not golden sun kissed like everyone else I know. A little too full up top. Thighs that most girls would cry over because they touch. I wear t-shirts at the pool to hide those flaws. I mean, my teeth are straight and I have less zits than most girls my age, but my face is fatter. I don’t wear makeup. I’ve never even had my eyebrows plucked. No part of me is worthy of being called beautiful. Not even a little.

  “And she's gonna have your dimple, too.”

  I want to argue that the hole in my cheek created when I smile isn’t an enhancement, it’s an embarrassment, but Bailey doesn’t wait for my response. He simply winks and returns to singing.

  All of a sudden Mrs. Kathy places the infant she had been holding in one of the cribs and scolds “Don't go making promises in the Lord's house you don't plan to keep, Bailey Cooper.”

  “Oh, I plan to keep it, Mrs. Kathy...” He glances up to give me another smirk. “See, I love Kenny. Always have. Always will.”

  As I stare at the side of his still face now, I can't help the need to focus on the good times. The times when things went right in our lives. The times when his love for me was so blatantly obvious, it spilled from our souls with enough intensity to do more than just ignore the hatred. We could eradicate it. Maybe not in the entire world, but in the one we shared. In the one we built. In the one where our daughter would learn to walk and talk.

  “Miss Neddyity,” the preschooler coos, pulling on the edge of my t-shirt. When I look down, he grins bigger than I've ever seen. “Mr. Baitey said you're gonna marwy him some day. That why you got a candy ming?”

  I glance up and meet eyes with Bailey who's on the other side of the elementary school gym door with his own church summer camp group. He's leaned against it, letting the campers take turns to us the bathrooms, but his attention is on me. It's always on me. Whenever we are in the same room, we're like two magnets that can't stop drifting together in some way. It's been this way since we met last summer at my best friend's older brother, Thomas’ birthday party. I was allowed to sleep over to balance out the house full of boys who had an all-night video game marathon planned. Emma’s parents thought she’d be less upset about the teenage boy invasion if she had someone to help keep her distracted. We met when I went to grab us a soda. It was late, way too late for Emma and me to be chugging back root beer, but she figured her parents would let it slide since the last thing they wanted was for her to have a meltdown during her brother’s party. She sent me on drink duty because her nails were drying and the Teen People magazine quiz was being taken mentally. She couldn’t handle the idea of starting over. He was getting ready to close the fridge when he saw me waiting over his shoulder. His eyes seemed to sparkle and so did his smile. He reminded me of the lost member of my favorite boy band. He also kind of looked like he could be Thomas’ fraternal twin. They had similar face shapes and hair color. It took him what felt like forever to say hi, but when he did, I swear the world actually stopped. He was polite and sweet, grabbed the drinks for me, but before he could say anything else he was summoned back for his turn. The next morning in the car though, on our way to the afternoon church service, we became inseparable. He made any excuse to be close to me. To talk to me. To impress me. None of which was too hard. Our unexpected friendship drives Thomas and Emma crazy, mainly because it forces their lives to constantly overlap.

  “Miss Neddyity,” the preschooler says, reaching for my left hand where the dark blue ring pop is waiting to be eaten. “Can I have your candy ming?”

  I shake my head. “No. This is my special treat from Mr. Bailey…”

  His tiny face scrunches before he whines again, this time pulling on my shirt. “Miss Neddyity, pick me up, pwease.”

  I swoop the little blonde haired boy into my arms and steal another glimpse of Bailey. His smile grows bright and he looks away as if he knows his message has been received.

  “Kennedy,” my team member whispers to me at the same time she crosses into my view. “Did he just say Bailey is gonna marry you?”

  A little giggle escapes. “He's always saying that....”

  “But like marry you the same way I’m gonna marry Brad Pitt some day?”

  Unsure of how to reply, I don’t.

  “Wait! Are you guys like...are you like going out?” Her jaw hits the ground. “Oh my Gosh are you like boyfriend and girlfriend?”

  I shake my head. “No.”

  “Did he break up with you?”

  “No.”

  “So you’re like still together then?”

  “We've never been together like that.”

  A confused look crosses her face.

  “We're just friends.”

  And we were. And technically that's all we had ever been. Of course part of me always wanted more. So much more. Why wouldn't I? Not only was he tall, slender with sharp muscle definition in motion, and a smile that was impossible to resist, he always treated me like I was the light of his life. The only one completely irreplaceable. Completely irresistible.

  “Dibs,” Bailey announces, flopping down on the couch beside me. He drapes his arm around me, tugs me against him, and says, “I'm cuddling with my girl.”

  I peer up at him and he winks. Is it weird I’ve never seen him wink at another girl? I mean….he’s gotta have winked at another girl in his life.

  “Your girl?” Emma questions from the other side of me. “Since when is Kennedy your girl?”

  “Since always.”

  She scoffs. “Whatever. No she hasn’t.”

  “You know Kenny's my girl,” he argues with a smirk. “Always has been. Always will be.”

  “Mi
ght wanna tell the rest of the world that. Ya know, help keep the slut patrol from circling you like vultures.”

  The metaphor would be clever if she wasn’t a huge bird enthusiast. She just finished her report on them for science class like a week ago. It’s weird…Every class, every report she can center around her ‘winged friends’ as she calls them, she does. At first I thought she liked birds because her last name is McCaw but apparently it’s much deeper than that.

  Bailey laughs but Thomas grunts from his spot on the floor in front of us. “Don’t say the word slut.”

  “Or maybe you could just ask her out,” Emma pushes. “Like a normal guy.”

  Sounds more likely to happen in a dream than ever in reality.

  He starts to answer when our shared group of friends files into the room. Some of us know each other from school, others from church, and a few from Thomas and Bailey's baseball team. It's a mix of ages, but they annoy Thomas and Emma in equal capacities. The major drawback from hanging out with your sibling all the time is the simple idea that your friends are probably going to hook up at some point. While the two of them avoid dating each other’s friends, it hasn’t stopped their friends from dating amongst themselves.

  To no surprise, Addie, our host and the one girl who wants both Thomas and Bailey equally, lets her blue eyes immediately zoom in on the two of us. She looks like the Britney to his Justin. Everyone who has ever met Addie is instantly jealous. Perfect body. Perfect make up. Her own credit card. What’s not to love?

  I force myself to look away and happen to notice a deep colored bruise on Bailey’s arm. My finger lightly touches it. “Is that from Baseball?”

  He uncomfortably shifts beside me but shrugs it off. “Must be.”

  Thomas turns to join the conversation. “I don’t remember you getting hurt this week.”

  Bailey shrugs again. “Then maybe it was from tackle football in the park.”

  Thomas tilts his head. “We didn’t play this week.”

  With all our eyes on him, the expression on his face grows concerned. He gives the back of his hand a small scratch and sighs, “Guess I forgot how I got it. Could’ve been from bumping into something.”

  “You are clumsy,” Emma says before denying Carter the spot on the couch beside her with a firm shake of the head.

  Carter, Addie’s latest ex-boyfriend has been after Emma since the minute she broke up with him. My best friend hasn’t even considered dating him. She treats him like he’s got a highly contagious disease. It’s strange that the more she pushes him away, the more he wants her.

  My attention drifts back to our host who should be putting in the movie, but is standing around, pouting with a hand on her hip. Great. This is the part of the day where she comes up with a way to divide us.

  Bailey’s fingers give my arm a gentle stroke, and goosebumps cover my skin. He grins at the action, eyes becoming a lighter color with each passing second. They always do that when he’s this close to me. When he’s touching me.

  Addie interrupts the moment with a loud sigh. “Bailey, wanna help me make the popcorn?”

  He attempts to pawn the chore off, “Thomas you wanna go instead?”

  Under his breath he mutters, “Not a chance in hell.”

  Her bottom lip sticks out in an over dramatic way. “Please…”

  He hesitates, but eventually nods his submission. Afterwards, he looks down at me, and whispers, “Do. Not. Let. Anyone take my spot.” When I smile, he reiterates, “I mean it Kenny. No one else sits next to my girl. Got it?”

  I helplessly giggle. “Got it.”

  “Emma you’re on back up duty.”

  She rolls her eyes.

  His words fall to Thomas. “Run interference if anyone even looks at sitting next to my girl.”

  Thomas whose busy admiring Addie’s newest addition to the group mumbles, “Uh-huh…”

  Bailey gives him a gentle hit upside the head.

  “Ou!”

  “I mean it Thomas.”

  “Why don’t you just marry her? Won’t that scare everyone off?”

  He gives me another wink at the same time he stands up. “Someday…”

  I try not to let the smile on my face get any bigger. His fairy tale promise burns my cheeks in excitement as much as embarrassment over his continuously professed love.

  The moment he's within Addie's grip, she wraps her arms around his, tugs him close and tosses her newly highlighted dirty blonde hair back in laughter like they're flirting. Bailey offers her a smile in return, but nothing like the one he gave me just minutes ago. Nothing like any of the one’s he’s ever given me.

  “She is so jealous,” Emma whispers, a little too loudly. “It's like, get your own boyfriend. Just 'cause it's your house, doesn't make him your boyfriend.”

  “Okay, but he's technically not my boyfriend either.”

  Emma rolls her eyes. “Whatever...”

  At that moment Thomas glances over his shoulder at me. “I’m totally with my sister on this one.”

  People never believed we were only friends. Even back then I couldn't blame them for assuming we were more. Most of the time, he treated me better than he did the girls he actually dated. Make no mistake. Bailey dated a lot of girls. And frequently. He cycled through girlfriends like they were Netflix binges. Like they were seasons he could just finish in one sitting. They never lasted long and I was always grateful. He never claimed to love them. Not one. He would be dating one girl yet promise me night after night on the phone our friendship would remain the same. But how could it? How can a friendship that's already on the edge of being something more, just stay there when you're dating other people? How can you think of a future together when you won't even commit to something today? How could he promise me I would be his forever when I wasn't even his right now?

  “Have you guys seen Bailey? I ask Addie, Emma, and Thomas on our way out to Addie's pool. “I thought he was right behind us.”

  Thomas tosses his head back towards the front door. “Think he was letting in some more people.”

  “Can't be away from him this long?” Addie mocks at the same time she opens the French doors to their patio.

  “He actually has my towel,” I meekly defend myself.

  “Because why wouldn’t he? He does everything for you,” she sneers. “Like everything. You’re probably the reason he won’t just kiss me already.”

  Emma interjects, “I think it’s because you’re kinda a bitch.”

  “Excuse me?!” She squeaks. “You do know all it takes is one word and I can make it so you stop coming to my house.”

  “And all it takes is one story about what happened between you and Mr. Daniels to make your parents rethink where you go to school,” Thomas states.

  Her mouth drops.

  “No one threatens my baby sister.” The look on his face stiffens. “Not even you.”

  Emma bounces victoriously through the opened door straight for the overcrowded pool of people.

  Rather than following them out, I spin on my heels and make my way through her house back towards the front door. Just as I round the corner, Bailey's mouth descends on a dainty blonde in a bikini. Both hands drop to her hips while hers graze his bare arms, skating across the discolored flesh of his latest sports bruises. A small knot swells in the back of my throat, yet I continue to gawk like looking away would hurt more.

  That was the first time I had ever seen him with someone else. I had known he had girlfriends. I had heard briefly about the dates. Very briefly. He had always mentioned them in passing the same you would a chore. ‘Oh yeah I cleaned my room. Took out the trash. Caught a movie with my girlfriend. Brushed my teeth and went to bed.’ That’s how unimportant he thought his dates were. Even his phone calls, I had accidentally overheard were equally futile. They never lasted more than enough time to tell them he was busy with someone else. At that point, that moment when I saw him kiss her, we had been friends or friends in limbo for almost two years. Later,
I would get a glimpse of the texts and instant messages. They were done the same way as the calls. Brief as though they were bothersome. As far as how it interfered with our friendship, it hardly did. To be honest because of the indifference he constantly showed them, the fact he had a girlfriend barely registered at all. But that first time, that first time of actually seeing his lips on someone else's, his touch that I was so convinced in a twisted weird way was only mine, broke something inside of me. Something I didn't think would ever be fixed. Could ever be fixed. That was the first time I ever questioned our friendship. Questioned the words that constantly came out of his mouth. That was the first step on a long confusing journey I didn't ask to take. Looking at him now, I realize when it comes to true love, you aren't exactly asked. You're just kinda pushed or pulled. Yanked or thrown. Love like the one we have isn’t polite or perfect. It’s audacious. Intrusive. Arduous.